Tonight

Love yourself, before you expect others to love you.

God, I'm feeling really out of it tonight.

Worst, I don't know why. I've always known myself to be rather moody, and it's a fact which irritates me.

I look at some people who seem to always be positive, always on the ball, always a certain way. Always themselves. For me tonight, I'm struggling to find my identity. Why is it that I can't remain happy for an extended period of time? It's almost as if I need a regular interval of chaos in my life to maintain a state of well-being.

I'm thinking about my past again.

I remember many whom have told me not to yearn to succeed to prove anything. And yet, at the moment, it feels like my only purpose for wanting to achieve my dreams is to prove something. Is it such a bad thing.. to succeed to prove to yourself, and the world, that you're not as crap as you think you are? If your past is plagued with failures that resulted from your lack of character, is it bad to want to be someone better than who you are today?

I sometimes wish there was an easier way to prove myself in this day and age. A more definitive way than being financially smart. Rockstars being knighted, actors and sportsmen are idolised, humanitarians are just the sideliners. Occasionally, I imagine myself being put in a situation where I can fight for my beliefs, and defend the people of love, not through strategic financial manipulation; but through sheer willpower and determination and conviction,like in ancient times. "You're not passing me. Not while I draw breath".

In any case, suffice to say, I'm not as clearheaded as I thought I was. It seems my demons of doubt laid well hidden from my previous mental purgatory. I enjoy blogging, because it allows me to vent on deaf ears when there's nothing really to be heard other than the childish rant of demons lacking attention.