My song

A couple years late. A song I started, yet never finished. I hope it does the memory justice, and I take my hat off to the wonderful memories of this closing chapter.



I’ve never walked in rain..
With someone else by my side.
I’ve never seen my soul,
Reflected in, angel’s eyes.

You came and saw, and heard me.
You saw my flaws, yet strengthened, the light in me.
I was blind to the things that you did for me,
Never; to see the sun.

I’ve never made a choice,
With someone else, in my mind.
I’ve never had my life,
Taken up, soaring high.

I look back now on my final words,
So I can tell you now what you didn’t hear.
My world wouldn’t be true,
If it was to be, without you.
.
Fighting against my pride,
whispering it’s all okay.
I never set you free,
I held you far too tight.

Now I hope to do,
what I thought impossible to do,
to say goodbye to you,
on a sea of dried up tears in memory.

To say goodbye to you..
On a sea, of dried up tears in memory.

Confessions of a hardcore gamer

Success through good judgment.
Good judgment through experience.
Experience through bad judgment.

I recently wrote an article based on the dangers of gaming addiction, for it has been my life’s experience as a victim of its tantalizing, yet draining, embrace.

As I thought about it longer though, in order to fully appreciate my article, one has to know of my personal experiences with games, and why I feel compelled to advise such caution with them.

When I was 10 years old, dad bought me a Sega Megadrive II, first game being Alex Kidd in Miracle World. I loved it. I woke up in the middle of the night secretly to play it, which became a consistently more frequent practice.

Throughout the following years, I traveled along a thin line bordering both rebellious adolescence and strict disciplined educational practices. A tenuous pact, held between my ever watchful family and the devilish attraction of games.

The constant tug-of-war finally chose a winning side after my pursuit of independence at the age of 18. Left alone to my devices, without the aid of my mentors, the games ripped at my soul with masochistic abandon. Over the course of the next 4 years, I indulged completely in various titles such as Counter Strike, Star Craft, and Warcraft III with the help of various internet cafes; all whilst keeping my family at an arm’s length, using every lie in the book to assure them I was attending university. Over this time, I developed some extremely poor habits :

- Sleeping around 9am, waking up roughly around 6pm.
- Relying completely on soft drinks for my fluid supplement.
- Skipping my university classes.
- Spending virtually all of my time in the internet cafes.
- Meeting friends who weren’t any better off than me.
- I used all the money dad sent me from overseas, to pay for my rent, food, and internet café bills.
- I became hostile to anyone who questioned my habits.

As a result, this put particular strain on my family relationships and personal friendships. I stopped communicating with my original close friends, and became very irritable and moody. My physique was an absolute mess; fast foods containing excessive grease and fats allowed me to reach my lifetime's highest weight : 96 kilos (211 pounds) at a height of 170cm.

2005 was the year I was introduced to the World of Warcraft. This game has been rated by some as the most addictive game in history.. and has been THE reason for the rise in MMORPGs on the market today. For someone like me, who was already afflicted harshly by an addiction to games, this was the icing on the cake granted personally by the devil. A terrible bliss for my soul. I damned everything I had left to my complete indulgence in an artificial universe in which I was accepted as opposed to the reality in which I had personally destroyed at the same time.

And so the situation came to be :

- 1 meal a day, usually KFC, Mcdonalds or pizza.
- Soft drink as my liquid nourishment.
- Playing 12 – 14 hours a day, sleeping during the day. .

My health was absolutely appalling by this point. As well as that, due to my addiction, I had also lost my job. I still had savings, but I used them on paying for more playtime in
The World of Warcraft account and internet café bills rather than for essentials like toilet paper! Eventually, I was completely broke, and I could barely afford to pay for haircut. Borrowing money off friends to help with the rent, food, and other various household goods, I conceded defeat and contacted my father to request a large loan of money to pay off all my debts and my immediate future expenses.

There came a point where I couldn’t live on like this, and I thought, 'Enough is enough'. As Tony Robbins says, “You take action when encountered by either inspiration or desperation.” At that moment, I think I had reached quite possibly reached my breaking point of desperation.

I decided to go cold turkey on games completely.. and it's startling how much life has improved since then. Severing myself from my bad habits, and reconnecting with old mentors (like my family and best friends) .. building new aspirations, and getting back in shape has given me a whole new appreciation of life. I feel very much as if I've been given a second chance. It can be argued that although games do afford extreme loners a network of sociability (going by the ideal that something is better than nothing), when the effects of virtual contact begin to work on severing your perception of reality, the effects are undeniably damaging. Suffice to say, there will be many critics who compare this to the hype of TV being 'just the same'. Take it from a person who indulges in both. It's not.

One question I've been asked is "how do you give up games?" Virtually all my spare time was used on games, so when I decided to quit, I had to fill in a huge gap of my day. I used other hobbies such as exercise, reading, writing, and socialising face to face with friends to pull myself away from the security of identity that the virtual universe offered me. I believe one has to attain a real confidence before they can truly let go of games.

I've never even considered going back to those days. I have had alot of experiences in my life, but let it be known that I don't regret a single moment. For every mistake I made, I learnt something, and I dare say I'm wiser because of my trials.

Another entry.

"Honk honk"

18/4/07 – 10:34pm (Ho chi minh City)

I touched down roughly 10 hours ago at Ho Chi Minh airport. I had follow Jie’s advice, and requested a seat near to the front of the airplane. As I alighted from the plane, it became evident just how valuable that seemingly minor piece of advice had been, as I managed to check through immigrations and customs just ahead of an army of weary passengers politely and silently fighting to beat each other to the lines.

The first thing I had noticed was the piercingly hot temperature of the city. The vast amount of vehicles, along with the natural tropical climate served to effortlessly develop a quick film of sweat on my face with it’s 35 degree heat. I searched quickly for a taxi to take me to rendezvous with Philip.

I had done my homework before the trip, and learned how some termed this city the “city of motorbikes”. However, I wasn’t really prepared at all for the vast amounts of all the motorbikes! The first one I saw as my taxi departed the airport, was carrying 4 construction beams that I would estimate to be as long as 10m if not more. Somehow though, it blended in with the chaotic traffic. I discovered that in this city, few people suffer from road rage, as it’s expected that every single car and bike is going to cut in front of u anyway. In a city of chaotic drivers, nobody is considered a chaotic driver by the locals. They’re just ‘normal’. Eventually, u numb out and get used to the honking more as a subliminal background melody rather than an indication that we’re going to collide with something. ~

I’ve been told by many concerned to watch out for pickpockets, and nasty sluts that offer their services to me on the corners of suspicious alleyways. Unfortunately, I haven’t been so lucky as to have encountered any yet, but still a couple of days left, so prospects look hot.

Had a tour of Philip's company earlier, and many of his associates were kind enough to spare time out of their hectic schedules to answer my barrage of questions, and share with me their personal stories. Theirs were stories of initiative, courage, determination, failure, resolution, hard work, and smart work. One thing that particularly impressed me is their genuine passion to see the company succeed. It’s very inspirational, and I’ve gained a lot of insights as to what makes his company tick.

Tuan is the regional director of rear operations in Hanoi, and I suspected was assigned to babysit (for lack of a more appropriate word) me this evening. He treated me to a delicious and genuine Vietnamese dinner; which to my delight was gloriously fresh and plentiful. I treasured every moment, and I take my hat off to you, Tuan.

In any case, I’m currently writing this from my laptop in my room located in Somerset Apartments; a nice building that seemingly seems quite suitable for ex pats and the like. It has quite a Caribbean feel, and makes me feel in quite the mood for a grass skirt dance.

What a fantastic day.

Prologue

And so I begin the prologue, about 3 weeks after creating this blog. Initially, when first making this blog, I wasn't sure what I wanted out of it. But as time trickled by, I eventually reached my 15th blog post. I've come the realization that I want this site to tell my story.

I've been told on several occasions, by many different sources, that time is of the essence. Time is a luxury life cannot afford. That time waits for no man. The people who usually tell me this though.. don't appreciate every moment given to them. Instead, they look at schedules, they look at blocks, hours, shifts, days, weeks. They don't just .. stop, and appreciate the moments given.

I'm going to strive to accomplish all my goals, whilst appreciating every aspect of my journey on the way. No wasted moments.

There is a part of me that's chastizing me for doing all this. Why the hell do you tell the world? Can't you, for once in your life, be silent? I guess, in part, it binds me to my words, and now I feel obligated succeed.

The pressure is there.

Of course, there is a shadow of doubt that I'll reach all.. or if indeed any, of these goals of mine. The possibility that I'll lost my willpower and drive.. and fall back into the sea of drifters, is a very real one in the back of my mind.

However, I'm reminded of a chat I had with a friend yesterday whom I particulary admire. I asked her, "during times when you have nothing left.. no energy, no motivation, no willpower.. what stops you from giving up? What keeps you going?"

Her answer : "I don't know the meaning of giving up".

.. Incredible, isn't it?

I have a past that is rich with tales of success, grief, failure, and embarrassment, but rest assured, the only thing important is the present and future. The past is a story best left told another day.

So for now, I'll focus, and try to appreciate every pebble on the road to my dreams. A journey that begins with with nothing, and ends with everything.

Tonight

Feeling weaker than usual. I think I may have overdone it again. Speaking too much for my own good..

It's going to be a long road ahead of me before I learn the gold of silence.

I think in the pursuit of making others happy, if you completely neglect yourself, you'll end up just hurting everyone.

In any case, goodnight world. See you tomorrow.